Driving Lessons

Cars are like anything else in the land of plenty: if you are fortunate enough to have one, you should use and enjoy it. If all you do with your fancy imported car is drive it to work and the store, you are fucked. Take the bus. Cars are best used for road trips (you will see more of that from me soon), and stupid tricks. Try out some of the following for a good time in the street:

1. I don't endorse mailbox baseball, but I am a firm believer in pumpkin bowling- so long as you don't take out little kids or old people. Set up a bunch of cardboard boxes or mannequins or televisions at the end of a street (or just aim at a brick wall). Grab a big firm pumpkin and get going around 40 or 50mph. Stay on target and, as lightly as possible, roll pumpkin out the passenger door. Steer off and watch the destruction.

2. In movies, people are always getting chased down streets by cars. Why don't they run to the side? Why don't they turn and run over the car? I don't know. They are dumb. Don't be dumb: practice running over your own car. Jackie Chan does it, and that guy always wins in the end.

Watch this movie of me running over and rolling over Kirk's car. (Sorry about the window, Kirk.)

download 1.4MB quicktime file if you don't have ViewMovie plug-in

3. In life, you want to be the first. Always. So when your car full of people is crossing a state/county/country line, make sure a part of your body is the farthest forward in the car. Be fast, be sneaky, stick your whole damn leg out the front window. If you are the first, you are the best- make sure everyone in the car knows they are your inferior.

4. I learned this trick from John Waters, and you know that guy knows how to have a good time: go to a parking lot and lie down underneath a car. Wait until they get into their car and pull out. Super! Good-bye boring afternoons with nothing to do!

5. Driving forward is only half of the fun. Make an entire trip in reverse. Then go to the drive-through at Taco Bell backwards and make your passenger pay.

6. On some cars you can turn the windshield squirters sideways. Drive down thnt wheel drive cars, the parking brake only locks the back wheels. Stick something slippery under the back wheels and lock the parking brake. Hit the gas and slide around parking lots like a European rally racer. This technique can also be used for snow/ice driving.

Watch this movie of me sliding around on stolen fast-food trays. (These didn't work so good, they wore through. Try other things, and write me if you have a good cheap solution.)


download 1.8MB quicktime file if you don't have ViewMovie plug-in

8. Make road trips more interesting by switching drivers while driving. Just like in "Smokey and the Bandit." And don't use the cruise control, Jackson.

9. Try to buzz your side mirrors on highway dividers.

10. When driving cross-country (or even if you live somewhere out in the middle there), find a completely dark stretch of road on a moonless night. Turn off you lights and watch the world go black. See how long you can last with the lights off, and hope you don't hit a moose. Extra Credit- Get night vision goggles and tape up your brake lights. Some guy ran drugs up and down Rt. 95 for a while like this. They kept clocking something going by at 180, but they couldn't see him. Heh.

AND A FINAL TIP OF DRIVING ETIQUETTE: The left lane is NOT the "fast lane." The left lane is the "passing lane", and if you aren't actually, physically passing someone on your right, GET OUT OF THE PASSING LANE. I know you think you go real fast, whee, but there is always someone else who goes faster and you have no business messing up the flow of traffic. Move. To the right. Nicely. Thank you. If I have to pass you on the right again, I am going to throw turds at your windshield.

-- slap maxwell